By: Kurt Schlicter
The year 2016 is one of the worst and stupidest years in American history, but at least frail, sickly, and old Hillary’s recent collapse helped restore America’s faith in the power of love. The moment Bill heard that she was sick he rushed to his woman’s bedside. And then, as soon as he was finished, he picked up the phone and called Chelsea’s apartment to see how Hillary was doing.
Where was Bill in all this anyway? Even if some media hack had suffered an unexpected bout of Sudden Onset Curiosity and asked, who cares what Team Hillary’s answer would be? It’s all lies, all the time, anyway. And the most insulting part to our collective intelligence is that they are not even competent lies. Take it from a trial lawyer: you can’t fabricate quality fibs on an assembly line. They need to be carefully crafted, polished, and honed to a razor’s edge, blending deception with just the right proportion of truth to make them strong like steel. But Hillary is not even trying anymore.
She was a tad overheated on a pleasant day. Wait, there’s video? Strike that. She was, uh, just feeling woozy so she decided to visit her grandkids over at Chelsea Spaulding Clinton’s pad, the one paid for with all that hard work journalist-ing. Oh wait, now she has pneumonia. I mean, has had pneumonia for a while and yet she still powered through to bring home the bacon, fry it over a pan, and never, ever let you forget she’s not a man.
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Despite being swimming with pathogens, Hillary still managed to essentially ride a bear across a meadow and you deplorable basket-dwellers refused to acknowledge her awesome virility. It’s because she’s a woman, isn’t it?
WHY WILL YOU NOT CONCEDE HER GREAT STRENGTH AND POWER!
But wait, when this human petri dish cavorted with a child in the least-spontaneous “spontaneous” photo op in the history of photo ops – “Agent Smith, there’s a kid running out toward Cankles One, but she’s so gosh darn adorable that I’m going to just chill, over” – didn’t that imagery reinforce that Hillary was not sick?
Can’t these hacks even get their bogus narratives straight?
Yet why should they bother? Why should Task Force Pantsuit expend any effort at all trying to construct convincing prevarications when the mainstream media is going to smile and nod at whatever they say? Without resistance, you aren’t going to get any stronger, and Clinton’s lies have just gotten weaker and weaker. For her, lying to the mainstream media is like weightlifting by pumping Styrofoam.
James Comey not only said she did nothing wrong but praised her for her innovative and pioneering work improving America’s electronic security procedures. Why do you assume a woman can’t handle classified materials as well as a man, sexist?
No one was killed in Benghazi. In fact, there is no such thing as Benghazi. Or Libya. Actually, thanks to Hillary, for all practical purposes, there no longer is such thing as Libya.
Everyone who votes for Trump likes Hitler because no one could possibly oppose Hillary without wanting to tongue wrestle with David Duke. Also, Trump is going to put Pepe on the quarter.
She didn’t stumble. That was just a loving tribute to Cinderella. Why do you GOP cynics hate the innocent joy a child derives from a fairy tale?
No, she was simply krumping. Why do you deplorable Trump supporters hate urban culture? Um, racism!
And stop with the conspiracy theories about her being sick, you crazy nuts, except now stop refusing to give her credit for driving on with her fundraising and her slandering of half of America when she is crawling with disease, you crazy nuts.
You know, the Hillary Body Double theory is pretty hilarious, but admit it – who would actually be surprised if it turns out she has a body double? Secretly, even the liberals are thinking to themselves, “You know, I can totally see that.”
Hillary was a terrible senator, a terrible Secretary of State, and now she’s a terrible candidate, surfing from sinecure to sinecure on a tsunami of lies. But she’s gotten a free pass on her duplicity for so long that she’s not even trying to pass the straight face test anymore. Her loyal minions are so slobberingly committed to her that they don’t even demand that she provide them enough plausible deniability to preserve their few remaining shreds of dignity.
The mainstream media loves Hillary so deeply and without reservation that she can say literally anything to a gaggle of adoring reporters and absolutely know that they will not only not challenge her, but that her media transcriptionists will swing into action to actively defend her lies should anyone break ranks and dare to point out that the would-be empress has no clothes. No wonder whenever Monica Lewinsky watches CNN, she thinks, “Been there, done that.”