By: Kurt Schlicter
America’s Nobody-in-Chief is finally going away, his last spasm of rhetorical onanism completely overshadowed by Donald Trump neatly turning the tables on the media purveyors of that fake dossier that tried and failed to paint the PEOTUS as the second coming of Bob Crane.
Good riddance. And welcome President Trump. I have a simple two-word request for you:
The last two months have been hysterically funny as President Faily McWorsethancarter desperately tried to remain relevant. He’s taken leading from behind to a whole new level – he’s actually now behind behind. No one is listening to him. No one cares. While Obama wanders the halls of power, looking for people to pat him on the back, Trump is out there leading. Carrier – saved. Appointments – heading to confirmation. CNN – dissed n’ dismissed. One tweet from Trump and he resets the paradigm like a boss. Ask L.L. Bean. It’s getting hard to handle all this #winning.
While the helpless mainstream media frets over its irrelevance, Obama is left urging his minions to throw little tantrums out in the Deep State, trying to do just a little more damage to this country before he is finally exiled to comfortable obscurity. But payback is a Pelosi; soon Trump’s pen and phone are going to be wielded by the guy who Team Integrity has been calling “illegitimate” since the moment Hillary lost and it again became patriotic to question election results. All that last-minute regulatory nonsense is getting overturned. America will be a beacon of freedom to Cubans once again. The Western land thefts will be undone. We’ll drill, baby, drill. It’s going to be awesome, as will the tsunami of liberal tears.
And there’s nothing you haters can do about it. Nothing. You can howl about Russians, conflicts of interest, and innovative sexuality, but the only thing we care about are the four more years of a Clinton White House that we dodged November 8th. Nothing will stick to him, nothing will stop him. There’s your tribute, America’s Elite. There’s your legacy, Mainstream Media. Nothing you say matters anymore. Nothing. We don’t need you. We don’t trust you. And, even if we did, we don’t care about anything you say. You did this to yourselves.
Your hate is Trump’s validation – anyone you detest so much has to be someone we need to support because we know you feel exactly the same way about us. When withered crone Meryl Streep lectured Trump on how he’s terrible and needs to obey her kind, she was really talking to us. “Accept our moral and political leadership,” she demanded, all #caring and kindly. It was her least-convincing performance since she played the pale, mediocre chick in The Deer Hunter. But what we hear when people like her talk at us is another bit from The Deer Hunter, with liberals figuratively handing us a revolver and shouting “Di di mau!”
You got nothing. Damn, that whole not owning guns thing has really worked out poorly for you.
Sure, we have some problems on our own side. Now far from having to run for reelection, John McCain is mavericking again and Lindsey Graham is back to his usual tricks. Naturally, Marco Rubio is demonstrating the same keen political savvy that made him a superstar on the campaign trail. Yeah, side with the Democrats against Rex Tillerson like you did on illegal alien hugging – this time Schumer will totally have your back. Chucky promises.
Beating the Democrats is important – and fun – but Trump’s most important job will be keeping the Stupid Party from Obamaing itself into electoral irrelevance. It’s already trying. It can’t help itself. Trump had to save the GOP House from shooting both its own feet with its attempt at substantively correct but politically tone-deaf ethics reform. Trump’s already made clear that the hemming and hawing about repealing and replacing the Obamination that is Obamacare needs to end – we’re killing it, and right freaking now. We’ll soon see the squishes floating air biscuits on “compromise immigration reform,” but Trump knows what his voters want, and it sure as hell is not amnesty under some other name. The wall will be built, and I bet it gets paid for by taxing the remittances back home from the people who shouldn’t be here in the first place.
Trump will nuke them if (when) the GOP nincompoops in the Congress try to shaft GOP voters to make their tax reform dreams come true by eliminating the home mortgage, state tax, and charitable deductions. These deductions, of course, benefit mostly normals, people who work and save and give to charity. You know, people like us. So why again are we picking on them?
Hey dummies, the idea is not to screw over the people who voted in the GOP Congress. You need to protect us. Tax policy is not some theoretical exercise in good government; it is an expressly political act with winners and losers, and when the GOP does tax policy it needs to ensure that GOP voters are the winners. Screw over the jerks who didn’t vote for Republicans. Is that so hard? How about a Hollywood tax or a Silicon Valley tax? They hate us – tax them, not your friends. Facebook disrespects and discriminates against conservatives – perhaps it should take the hit instead of our own voters. You can save lots of cash by cutting the free money giveaways to the lazy deadbeats who supply so many Democrat votes. Make the freeloaders pay.
No, Trump’s greatest contribution may come from saving Republicans from their own instinct toward stupidity. Again, I refer you to the wisdom of Harry Dean Stanton: Avenge us!
So, as President Feckless packs his junk and goes away, he leaves a smoldering ruin of a party, an elite fearfully clutching at its fading power, and the potential for splitting the country in two. His legacy of failure and his contempt for normal Americans has ensured that in his place will be a president committed to ruthless conservative change and who won’t sit back and just passively suck up attacks from the cultural hacks. Donald Trump and a conservative Supreme Court are your legacy, Barack Obama. Good riddance, and welcome aboard the solar-powered high-speed rail express train to Karmatown.