By: Kurt Schlicter
People say the movie industry has lost its way and alienated its audience, but I’m super-excited about the future of movies, especially in light of Tinseltown’s current trend towards goose-stepping leftist conformity! How can that go wrong?
From fussy fascist fatties like Lena Dunham listening in to stewardesses’ private chats, to withered crones like Chelsea Handler wishing we too could arrest Chinese tourists for goofing on Hitler like the Germans do – apparently there’s no one else in Germany who needs arresting – it’s becoming clear that free-speech and free thoughts are things of the past! Sure, you could Google “free speech,” but the result will probably come back with a link to a long lecture about how your penis makes you bad. Remember, diverse conformity is strength or something.
Well, Hollywood is totally onboard with these trends, and with that in mind, we have plenty to look forward to. Just check out these coming attractions!
Xe-Day: After the racist, sexist, and homophobic nightmare that was Dunkirk left audiences literally shaking, moviegoers are begging to see a war movie that doesn’t just focus on the people who were actually there or things that really happened. Well, your wish is Hollywood’s command! You thought you knew the whole story of the Normandy operation, but what you really knew was the phallo people of pallor version that minimized and invisibled the contributions of trans soldiers of heft!
Xe-Day is the stirring story of the she-roes who didn’t let their birth genders or carbohydrate addictions get in the way of defeating the Nazis! With the cry of “Come on you she-males, you want to live forever!” these pudgy paratroopers aren’t about to allow the Third Reich to mansplain away their girl power! It’s no longer just Band of Brothersanymore! It’s band of brothers, sisters, and others! Opening this Winter Solstice!
1984 II: This exciting reboot turns expectations on their heads as courageous social justice warriors root out bad thinking thought criminals like Winston Smith! You’ll thrill as angry college students confront people with ideas they don’t like, and punish and kill them for daring to be different – all in the name of diversity! When this smash hit is over, you too will love Big Mother!
Dirty Harriet: Take that, cro-magnon Clint Eastwood clichés! This modern cop movie teaches us that every life matters, except blue ones! Female-identifying (but curious!) Detective Harriet Callahan gets all the dirty jobs, like running diversity classes for those knuckle dragging patrolman who refuse to abandon their wrong thinking. Pairing up with a differently-abled Muslim dwarf of color, she busts the real villains…the people trying to keep order on the streets! And she does it with hugs! Go ahead, make her day – by admitting your privilege!
Son of an Inconvenient Truth: It’s his third try, and this time it’s personal! Al Gore takes time away from his busy schedule of eating, dining, having dinner, and pestering innocent masseuses, to explain in detail why his previous predictions of total climate Armageddon that were supposed to come true a couple years ago haven’t. Spoiler Alert – it’s all Trump’s fault!
From Russia with Lunacy: The Trump/Russia collusion story takes a romantic twist as a brave and intrepid foreigner refuses to be silenced and courageously uses social media to provide America with the forbidden truth about how Trump and Putin got together with the Trilateral Commission and the Reverse Vampires and personally kept Hillary Clinton from campaigning in Michigan, all in defiance of the commands of the Grand Marshal of the Supreme Court and her FISA warrants. Don’t bring the kids because of the controversial dossier scene! Written and directed by, and starring, Louise Mensch, and co-starring Ted Lieu as “Weenis.”
There’s Something About Sanctuary Cities: This outrageous comedy provides laughs and lessons – because comedy with a message is the funniest comedy. It follows the adventures of people who shouldn’t be in the country raping, looting, and pillaging, because America is bad and deserves it. And all the while our heroes are dodging those evil people from ICE who are trying to enforce the laws that our elected officials made. Ben Stiller makes a comeback as a newly woke resident of San Francisco who learns that as an American citizen he really has no moral right to tell foreigners that they can’t be here, and then gets shot as part of a gang initiation by an undocumented worker named “Vato Loco 69.” Rated: MS-13.
The Bike Lane Warrior: Mad Max is back, but this time he’s caring about the environment! Forget the carbon criminal Max of the past. It’s no longer the last of the V8 interceptors; now he’s got a 10-speed cruiser with a banana seat and he’s pedaling his way through Brooklyn seeking adventure! Starring Zooey Deschanel as “The Humongess,” a 95-pound chick who is tougher and better at fighting than Max and every other man because of girl power!
Lassie Must Die!: Little Timmy learns the heartbreaking truth, that his corgi is helping to cause global warming and is also annoying his Muslim neighbor who just got here from Somalia thanks to a judge in Hawaii! Timmy realizes that his dog must be sacrificed to the Weird Weather Religion and to the whims of some pushy foreigner. After all, as Timmy learns, he’s merely an American citizen, so he doesn’t matter.
To Chill With A Mattress Girl: This is a college comedy where a goofy frat boy learns a lesson in active consent when the sorority babe he dated decides 10 months later that the romantic interlude she agreed to via notarized contracts signed on videotape was actually rape because the boy stopped returning her texts and her Professor of Uterus Studies said so. Brace yourself for the hilarious “mattress party” sequence as dour feminists crash a dance and read non-rhyming poetry about how they were oppressed growing up as the daughters of doctors and lawyers in Connecticut and Santa Monica!
Harry Potter and Trump Is Totally Valdemort: The movie millennial audiences have been waiting for! Without actual religion to provide them meaning, young folks are filling their empty heads with childish tales of wands and wizards – and JK Rowling is only too happy to keep making money off them. In this tale, Harry Potter comes out of retirement and takes on the evil POTUS, who is a spirit of evil for some reason. Harry also makes out with the weird redheaded boy because the other books were too cisnormative.
Yes, Hollywood has learned plenty about entertaining us over the years. I, for one can’t wait to go spend $50 for a couple of tickets to sit in a dark, sticky room with people poking at their cell phones while garbage is projected in front of me. But apparently you can, since Hollywood seems to be hitting rock bottom in terms of box office. Oh well. If you want something awesome to entertain you, maybe you should read a book, and then another book.