By: Derek Hunter
I realize the first debate isn’t until Thursday, and I do have a Thursday Townhall column, so I could have saved this until then. However, if I had, this might have required those interested in playing to have to scramble to obtain the absolutely crushing amount of booze that you’d run risk of your local liquor store running out or thinking you’re a Kennedy. Best to give everyone a chance to plan; to give the boss a heads up that you may be late Friday morning or in the hospital having your stomach pumped.
Since it’s best to avoid the latter (if you’re late, that’s on you), I’d suggest you just take a sip each time one of these things happens. What you’re drinking will determine just how much you regret watching, but the odds are pretty high you’ll regret watching no matter what. Watching Joe Biden hopped up on some secret cocktail of speed and Adderall so powerful that it would put someone with the tolerance of his son Hunter on his ass is going to be both frustrating and amazing.
But don’t expect it to be mentioned by anyone except maybe Donald Trump. If he does, take a sip. If Jake Tapper or Dana Bash bring it up, do a shot. But if they bring it up in the context of how Trump has joked about it, do a whole shot. If they bring up Trump joking about it but it’s clear they didn’t get the joke, do a second shot. If Biden admits that he’s wasted and finally cries out for help to stop the elder abuse being perpetrated against him by Jill and his White House handlers, cheers to him for finally breaking free of his captors and take a swig out of the bottle...
When (and let’s be honest, he’s going to do it) Biden tries to take credit for “creating 15 million jobs,” do a shot. When Trump points out that the vast major of those “jobs” were positions returning after the COVID lockdowns were lifts, take a sip. If that fact is brought up by either Tapper or Bash first, don’t drink anything…you’re either suffering from alcohol poisoning already or you’ve just witnessed history and will want to remember where you were when a CNN employee fact-checked a Democrat in real time.
Same goes for if Joe is corrected when he repeats his lie about inflation or gas prices being lower than when he took office; and chug for 3 seconds if anyone informs the public that Biden drained the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to try to get prices down, endangering our national security in an attempt to win reelection.
If Trump brings up Hunter first, do a shot. If Joe does, then Trump says something like his brother suffered from addiction and he’d never attack someone for getting clean, the criticism is about corruption, don’t drink at all because you might have just witnessed a turning point in the election.
If Biden mentions Russia, do yourself a favor and don’t drink anything. He’ll likely mention Russia a lot, and claim Trump is somehow a tool of Putin because he thinks ending the war in Ukraine is a good idea. But do a shot if Trump points out that Democrats are absolutely in favor of an immediate ceasefire and negotiations in Israel, where Jews are defending themselves from a very recent terrorist attack, while calling the concept of even broaching the subject of a negotiated ceasefire in Ukraine an affront to democracy without explaining how that is. Don’t, however, drink enough to try to make sense out of this, otherwise you will die. Anti-Semitism never makes sense, but it is alive and well on the left.
Finally, just drink a toast to the hope that Donald Trump wins the debate in the eyes of the public, but also that Joe Biden does not have another “senior moment” or complete seizure/meltdown. If he does, there is plenty of time for Democrats to replace him. If he doesn’t, we still get to run against an incompetent, unpopular, senile, arrogant jackass the American people view as being damaging to the country. If they replace him with Kamala Harris or Gavin Newsom, we lose the “senile” part. I’d rather have all of that ammunition.
There are plenty of other things you could drink on for Thursday’s debate, but these will be enough to get you wasted. If you want one more, finish the bottle if Joe gives the American people his “word as a Biden.” Then do a shot and pray to God the public has seen enough to not fall for that crap again.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SCREAMING 